In a galaxy not so far away...

Juan Cole gives the Star Wars treatment to the Iraq war:


Star Wars Episode 3
Revenge of the Stiff
Plot Summary Script Synopsis Story

A Satire

War! The Republic is crumbling under attacks by the ruthless Stiff Lord, Count Saddam. There are fools on both sides. Jello is everywhere.

In a super-astounding gigantic Saturday move, the fiendish droid leader, General Tariq Aziz, has swept into the Republic capital and captured Chancellor Frist, leader of the Galactic Senate.

As the Insurgent Droid Army attempts to flee the besieged capital with their worthless hostage, two Jedi Knights lead a misguided mission to rescue the kidnapped Chancellor.

EXT. ATMOSPHERE OF CORUSCANT - DAY
PAN DOWN:

We see a huge space battle unfolding over the city planet of Coruscant. Republic venator class star destroyers trade fire with Insurgent war ships, in the distance we see the Invisible hand flag ship of the Trade federation and current location of COUNT Saddam the former Jedi master turned Stiff apprentice, as well as their prisoner SUPREME CHANCELLOR FRIST whose alter ego is the hard to find mastermind DARTH SIDIOUS.

As the space battle rages on two Jedi star fighters are deployed from one of the republic cruisers. They are piloted by our stalwart heroes George W. Skywalker and Obi-Colin. We see a long tracking shot where both fighters weave between enemy and friendly ships alike evading laser fire and engaging the many droid fighters which attack them. Clone ARC star fighters join the fray and the pilots trade battle chatter with the two jedi as they engage the tri-fighter's of the federation.

INT. BRIDGE OF THE INVISIBLE HAND - DAY

Saddam commands a bridge full of Nemoidian pilots as they watch the battle on a large view screen.

EXT. SPACE - DAY

Obi-Colin’s star fighter is attacked by enemy droids which attach themselves to his hull and use lasers to cutaway at it. Sadly R4 Grossberg, his trusted astromech droid, is destroyed.

George W., proving why he is known as the worst pilot in the galaxy executes a Rube Goldberg maneuver, in which he uses the wing of his star fighter to scrape the enemy droids off of Obi-Colin’s ship. Obi-Colin's ship is knocked perilously into the open hanger of the Invisible hand with George W. not far behind, as Obi-Colin curses him roundly.

INT. BRIDGE OF THE INVISIBLE HAND- DAY

Meanwhile, Saddam consults his fellow insurgents via hologram With him we see General Tariq Aziz for the first time, a menacing skeletal cyborg, who has killed many Jedi.

INT. BRIDGE OF THE INVISIBLE HAND – DAY

Saddam concludes the discussion with his co-conspirators as one of the Nemoidian Bridge officers makes him aware of the Jedi's presence on the ship he tells General Tariq Aziz to take care of them as the wily Count Saddam ascends to the 'general's quarters' to check on the captured Chancellor whom he may or may not be aware is also Darth Sidious.

INT. ELEVATOR LOBBY - DAY

Entering a new corridor, which leads to the bridge, Obi-Colin warns George W. to take Saddam alive, as he has information that might be valuable to the war effort.

INT. THE GENERAL'S QUARTERS - DAY

Frist is shackled to a large chair in the huge room. The two Jedi enter and engage Count Saddam in a rematch from their last encounter. At some point during the battle Obi-Colin is separated from George W., most likely he is engaged by General Tariq Aziz and battles the evil cyborg as George W. confronts Saddam alone.


I would cast Ahmed Chalabi as Lando Calrissian:

Cardplayer. Scoundrel. You'll like him. That was Han Solo's hurried precis on his old pal, Lando Calrissian. While the description is accurate, it barely scratches the surface of this complicated rogue. Calrissian is at home in the shadowy reaches of the fringe, the underworld culture that permeates the galaxy. While he has rubbed elbows with hunters, mercs, outlaws and gangsters, Lando's main difference is that his elbows were covered by some of the most expensive and fashionable clothes this side of the Core. Lando has style and class; some would say in excess. He is a man of sophisticated tastes, and settles for nothing short of the best in his surroundings, his belongings, his look, and his female companionship.
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Issandr El Amrani

Issandr El Amrani is a Cairo-based writer and consultant. His reporting and commentary on the Middle East and North Africa has appeared in The Economist, London Review of Books, Financial Times, The National, The Guardian, Time and other publications. He also publishes one of the longest-running blog in the region, www.arabist.net.